


Dear Diary (a.k.a. Kara)

by TheSmuttyBard



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Based on episodes, F/F, Lena's pov, More angst, all entries based off of episodes, droll Lena, for fun, nihilist learning how to hope Lena, sarcastic Lena, these are all diary entries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-26 00:05:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18271805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSmuttyBard/pseuds/TheSmuttyBard
Summary: Diary entries where gradually learns to say all the things she's not allowed to say.





	Dear Diary (a.k.a. Kara)

Dear Diary (a.k.a. Kara),

 

You gave me the planner I've chosen to use to hide this diary. It’s the first welcome gift I’ve been given in my adult life that I haven't immediately donated or destroyed.

 

You may remember that, in a fit of uncharacteristic guilt as you handed it over, I made mention that no one gets in a room with a Luthor without going through a private investigator first. The joke was mostly pointed toward James—at his utter lack of qualifications to head Catco, even as he stood there trying to marginalize me about of a near-billion-dollar investment while angling to keep Cat’s office to himself.

 

The utter arrogance.

 

My temper was just simmering past my ability for pleasantness when you arrived behind him.

 

I watched you freeze when you spotted me, nearly bolting, and giving yourself the most baffling 4-second pep talk outside the door of the office before walking in, casual as can be. Like your moment of panic hadn't happened and your actions were perfunctory, not thoughtful. Yet all I could think was:

 

_Why did you stop in your tracks when you saw me?_

 

_Why did you pivot like you wanted to hide?_

 

_What were you muttering to yourself as you turned back, gathered yourself, and made your entrance?_

 

These are things private investigators can’t tell me. The call you got 40 seconds later? Yes, I know what that was about because I am stalking you to an unforgivable degree.

 

That is part of my reason for keeping this ill-advised record. Among many things, I would like to apologize for my utter paranoia and who I have to be to survive. I figured there was no better place to do that than in the planner you gave me. It seems so odd that you might imagine I'm allowed to write down anything that anyone else could access to plot against me. And I certainly could never fit my days of 5X8 sheets of paper. But I have created the tablet you are reading now to go inside the planner. It is only readable via your thumbprint—the one I scanned on your first Catco assignment to my office.

 

Yes, I did that. Among other things. I have my reasons, I swear, but the kindness in your eyes as you choose to trust me when you shouldn't makes me want to stop and shake you sometimes.

 

There are puppies less innocent than you, Kara Danvers, which is why the conscience I thought was long-dead drives me to write to you. Because, if something happens to me—as is ought to be attempted on any given Tuesday—I want you to know how much I wanted to be honest with you each time we met, that I sat down after and wrote down all my thoughts in Kryptonian for two reasons:

 

  * To prove how much homework I’ve done on you, while manipulating you from the start (and never daring to stop)
  * To prove how much I really wanted to tell you everything by making by maybe being a better friend to you post-humously than I could ever be while alive



 

To be clear, the first thing I ever knew about you, Kara Danvers, is that you are Supergirl.

 

The actual words were, _“And this is Kara Zor-el—also known as Kara Danvers, also known as Supergirl.”_

 

And when Lex showed me your pictures side-by-side, I asked myself if National City was a city of idiots because you weren’t even trying to look different.

 

Then I had someone follow you and literally couldn’t believe the degree someone as beautiful as you can pull off acting like a bumbling nerd with the brilliance you do.

 

You are the most powerful being on this planet. You have a mind and an education that is literally out of this world. You could be anything you want. Have anything you want. Rule anything you want.

 

Instead, you run around putting every other need ahead of your own and rejoice when something goes your way.

 

I have no idea how you do it. Any of it. You baffle me, Kara Zor-el. In all ways, you are an exception to my training. And I wish I could know you. I wish you were sitting across from me right now and I were telling you all this now, instead of coding it for you to read. Because I can tell you right now that not truly knowing you, even though you were right in front of me, is going to be my only certain regret in all this.

 

Never in all my days did I ever think I would meet a heart as true as yours. You shouldn’t be possible, Kara. Such kindness and valor shouldn’t be able to coexist in a person who has seen as many horrors, pain, and deaths as you have.

 

Yet you smile so genuinely.

 

How do you do that?

 

How do you still have a soul?

 

After all you’ve been through … your time in the Phantom Zone (yes, I know what your adopted father knows of that because I am a terrible person) and every day since you hit earth, you should be broken—a psychopath, at best.

 

Lex _should_ be right about you, like he’s right about everything else.

 

Yet he isn’t.

 

How is that?

 

How do you smile and mean it? How can an ice cream cone make your day? When you see people crashing and burning in the karma of their own decisions, why do you clean up their messes?

 

It’s one thing to clean up after yourself. It’s quite another to fly around tidying up other people’s mistakes and tying yourself to their collateral damages.

 

You would drive my lawyers insane.

 

I’ll be honest. I’ve never understood you or your cousin very well, although I do believe I understand Kal better. He’s jaded, at least, and fully capable of being a total asshole or flying the other way when the fallout is too petty for his mood.

 

I get that.

 

I don’t get you.

 

So I write this journal and have arrangements set for you to receive it upon my death if I don’t destroy it first. The reason for destroying it is simple: I discover you're betraying me and deserve no deathbed confessional from me.

 

This diary will end up in your hands for one of two reasons:

 

  * You outwitted me, and this is your trophy
  * You are who you seem, and this is my formal, written apology



 

Because just like there are things you choose not to share with me about alliances and goals you have, so do I. I didn’t come to National City on a whim or chance. I came at great expense and with laser-focused design because of what I see coming. It’s my battle, not yours. But you do matter in it. You might be the one who decides it all, actually, but not if you die first.

 

And you might.

 

I probably will, too.

 

Mother knows what I’m doing. So does Lex. Neither will kill me, though, because that’s not how Luthors play. Killing opponents is cheating; one only kills pests.

 

One must win fair-and-square, through strategy. So there’s a hint for you as to why there always seems to be a sense of civility between us, even though we are always at war. Wars are won through the strategic assassination of visions, not people.

 

That is what Lex wishes to do with you and your cousin. I’ll have you know that it is my wish that he not succeed, but that is not entirely up to me.

 

There will be nearly infinite opportunities for you to fail and play into his hands, Kara. I’ll be honest and say I’m stunned you haven’t done so already.

 

As for what I’m planning, I cannot say. Not even here. Not even if I’m dead. Because there are those who may wish to carry on after me. And I cannot betray them. Not even to you.

 

All I can give you is what I write here. I will do my best to be honest, although I warn that tendency has been quite thoroughly trained out of me. I’ll just keep reminding myself that I’m dead and won’t ever have to see your face once it's graced with any of this knowledge ... whether that expression is one of gloating over how you tricked me, or to see your sorrow at being faced with the truth that I really am the cold bitch everyone says I am.

 

Because, of course, I am, Kara. How else do you think I’ve stayed alive in the dark this long?

 

You are a bright anomaly in that otherwise dark world, Kara Zor-el. My impossibilities are your whims, yet I don't fear you. And that's a red flag.

 

Not fearing the most powerful being on the planet? Even worse: blindly believing she has my back?

 

Such catastrophic optimism should be limited to small doses and contained if I don't want to single-handedly run the Luthor family name into the ground by the end of all of this. Because even if Supergirl has me on her short list for people she'll go out of her way to save, I'll never be on the top of that list. And I must plan accordingly. I know that ... yet, somehow, you make me feel like it will all end well. You make everything seem surmountable. You do things like put cheap, leftover Christmas bows on impractical gifts to billionaires and somehow make every other gift pale in comparison.

 

A planner you will now get back as part of my last will and testament because I can’t seem to throw the damn thing away. I can’t give it away. I can’t even tuck it away. Every time I try, I feel like I’m kicking a hug in the face. That is a power you have that has nothing to do with a yellow sun, Kara.

 

And sentiment is dangerous for a woman in my position. Love cannot survive around my family. There is only so much love can take before self-preservation forces one to turn it to hate. So all I can hope right now is: whatever the circumstances are that have you reading this, my only wish is that you don’t hate me as you read. It would be very sad if, after all you’ve been through, my betrayal was the one that scorched your heart black.

 

That is not my intention, I assure you. Again, I cannot tell you what my intentions are, but they are not that. I very much want your heart to stay as pure as it is, which is why I must stay away and share nothing of what I know as my plan unfolds.

 

Kind of like what you’re doing with me, only for different reasons.

 

We all have our secrets, Kara Zor-el. And we all have our secret identities. It’s how we survive in a world too scared to understand, is it not?

 

I digress … which means, that’s quite enough for now. Although, I must add one more bit of instruction if you wish to read more entries:

 

To read on, simply press your thumb to the screen. Entries will not appear chronologically after this point, but in response to biorhythmic feedback. This is a measure of security for my own peace of mind. Pardon me for being a control freak, but it seems the best way to keep you from reading something from me that you aren’t ready to see.

 

We’ll let you decide what you read. How about that?

 

For now, farewell to the most baffling soul I’ve ever met—human, or not. Please never change.


End file.
